The Last Exile

The Toronto Star has a pointless little bit of nothing on ‘pick-up’ lines. I know something about pick-up lines having experienced them in the field as both a giver and a receiver. Yes, women do use pick-up lines – well, at the least all the women do who actually want to meet any given man who catches their eye. The women who don’t use pick-up lines are usually the ones out with their girlfriends on Saturday night whining about never being able to meet single men. I never really had much sympathy for those women simply because the world is literally filled with men who are relatively easy to meet. The trick is, finding a ‘keeper’, but you don’t get to shift the wheat from the chaff unless you go out into the field and gather the wheat yourself.

Growing up almost entirely surrounded by male cousins I discovered a few things along the way about how males think which has turned out rather handy. Firstly, most men aren’t terrible good on spur of the moment dialogue with a complete female stranger without a great deal of prompting. If a man is terribly good at it – it’s only worth proceeding with extreme caution. Men who are a little too comfortable with woman are usually men who spend a great deal of time in the company of other women. Generally, those men break down into two categories; gay and what we called in the old days womanizers. I think correct term today is ‘player’.

The first thing a man does when seeing an attractive woman is rack his brain trying to decide if he has a ‘chance’ with the woman and whether it’s worth his effort. If he decides in the affirmative, then he starts to play out all kinds of pointless scenarios – mapping out a kind of mental strategy. In other words, he’ll be too busy thinking of his ‘best’ approach so the opportunity is usually lost by the time he finishes mapping out his approach and gathers his courage.

As hard as it is to believe; it is true that most men are not the brave fearless sort when faced with an unknown attractive woman. I have even met combat soldiers who are utterly fearless in battle and decorated to prove it but who become hopeless tongue-tied when faced with an unknown attractive woman. This is also why often you won’t meet any men in a bar until last call. It takes them that long to get their act together. Of course, some men are just that cheap and figure they will wait until the end of the night so they don’t have to buy you a drink. Forget them too. Of course, approaching a strange woman can be fraught with all kinds of hidden dangers.

Through the years, I have heard the most dreadful lines running from ‘are you ready to get your world rocked’ to ‘are you ready to have nightmares about me!’. Any pick up line which uses ‘are you ready’; should be a non-starter. Same goes with the ‘Baby you look like big bucks’ to which the only reply you need to express is the affirmative and point out he merely looks like small change. It is at this point you need to get up and move far, far, far away. Forget the oddball twists on old cheesy lines like – are you ready to have nightmares about me (yes, a man actually said that to me once), of course the ‘are you ready’ makes the line a double fail. Any approach needs to be non-threatening and sincere but not too serious; if only so you can keep yourself respect in tact.

There really one two good ones. The second one is a strategy and really only works for men. It’s a variation on an appeal to authority but with a twist and it only works in a crowded scenario when you see a woman out with her friends. Instead of taking the direct approach edge your way towards one of her girlfriends and ask for her help. Then tell her what a great guy you are but in a self-depreciating way explain how you get hopelessly tied up in knots when you try to talk to a woman for the first time. Tell her you are tired of getting shot down before you open your mouth because you can’t come up with any witty one-liners and ask her to introduce you to her friend so you will have a few extra minutes to attempt to make a positive impression before she blows you off.

There are three potential outcomes. The girlfriend will tell you to get f-off which means she’s a heartless bitch and your better off not getting a girlfriend who has a collection of mean friends. Trust me on this. Or she may decide she wants to get to know you for herself which makes it a win-win. Finally, if the ‘target’ still blows you off there is always a good chance the girlfriend has an attack of pity and wants to give you a chance herself.

Don’t get uptight on carrying the pity vote as it shows she has a good heart. A woman with a good heart beats mean heartless viper on any given day. And under no circumstances (should you be shot-down) should you approach the target’s friend directly and ask if she wants to be next. No one wants to be considered leftovers. Although, you could go to the girlfriend and thank her for her help and see what happens.

The first strategy, well, it starts with ‘Hello’, I am________. Simple really and it works for either sex; except, it isn’t really all that simple. It has to be friendly and non-threatening but presented in a sincere way from a man without too much seriousness… and from a woman – you have to possess a certain amount of confidence to pull it off to reap its’ full power. Usually, I employ the ‘Hello’ or the ‘Wellllll, Hello’ with double whammy of both body language and tone of voice. It helps if the man catches your eye and he sees you give him a very slow once over with your eyes from his bottom to his top. Keep your head slightly down and raise your eyes to look directly into his and then say ‘Hello’. Drop your tone on the ‘lo’.

I first discovered the ‘Hello’ technique by studying how the actresses of Hollywood in its golden age did it in the movies. It sounds cheesy but when you could not show a physical seduction in the flesh on the silver screen there had to be a way for an actress to project it in a believable way so the audience could fill in the details. Start by taking a hard look at how actress like Marlena Dietrich, Lana Turner, Rita Hayworth, Jean Arthur, Ingrid Bergman, Marilyn Monroe carry themselves and the tone of voice they used. Take their ‘tips’ and apply what is comfortable and natural of their technique to yourself. Don’t try to be a Marilyn if you’re the girl next door type – you’ll look like a fracking idiot. I’ve argued and taken bets with everyone over the use of the simple ‘hello’ and won every time.